


before it's all too much

by thekardemomme



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, light fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 19:01:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10837443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekardemomme/pseuds/thekardemomme
Summary: “It's in the past, Even. You can keep it there if you want to.”





	before it's all too much

**Author's Note:**

> y'all I'm still crying ok :'(
> 
> title from Sign of the Times by Harry Styles

Even closes his eyes. Tightly, so everything goes black. The edges dance with colors and bright bursts of light and Even loses himself in them for a few minutes, just a few minutes.

The door clicks closed and Even forces his eyes open. He looks over to see Isak slowly walking towards him, feels the weight of the bed dip as Isak sits down next to him. Isak laces their fingers together and Even presses his eyes closed again, focusing on how Isak is pressing their palms together.

Neither of them talk for a few seconds. Even watches lights move outside the window in between lights moving on the inside of his eyelids. Isak is just there, a steady presence, keeping him tethered to this room and this moment. As if he knows that Even wants to open the window and follow the second star to the right and fly straight on until morning.

“I'm sorry,” Even finally says, and he feels Isak's eyes on him despite the pitch black of their bedroom. Isak clicks on a lamp but his hand never leaves Even's, probably more so due to the death grip Even has on it than Isak's free will. “I should've told you. I was going to tell you, so many times, I just—”

“You don't have to tell me anything,” Isak says, his voice smooth and placid like the open sea at dawn. Even can practically feel the cool ripples on his toes as he dangles his legs over the side of a boat, watching the sun rise above the horizon. He opens his eyes again, tears himself away from the beach of Isak's voice, and forces himself to meet Isak's eyes. They're kind, and gentle, and loving. “They left. I had them leave so we could talk. They didn't tell me anything because I didn't want them to.”

“You deserve to know.”

“No, I don't. You deserve the right to keep the past in the past.” Isak's hand finally leaves Even's and Even panics. The panic is overwhelming and his breathing picks up, calming only when he feels Isak's palm now pressing against his cheek. Isak's cool, smooth skin pressing against the heat of Even's face. He wonders if Isak feels any tacky tears there. Even doesn't know if he's crying. “It's in the past, Even. You can keep it there if you want to. You don't owe me anything,” Isak murmurs, and Even wants to combust with how much love he holds in his body for Isak.

He thinks it goes beyond his body. Something about this, about Isak and him, and Isak alone, and maybe even himself alone, is transcendental. It goes beyond their mortal bodies. It can't be held by the few inches of skin that's wrapped around his bones, it can't be held in the steady beat of his heart. He doesn't have enough skin, despite having miles and miles of it, to hold all of his love. His love encompasses every parallel universe and every possible scenario. He isn't even sure if that's enough.

Even breathes out. Slow, uneven, and coated with a thick layer of water. Isak rubs his thumb over Even's cheekbone. “I thought I could handle seeing them again,” he admits. And it's not what he wants to say, what he wants Isak to know. But it's a confession all the same, and it makes him feel slightly less shitty for lying to Isak all this time.

“It's okay,” Isak murmurs, and suddenly their hips are pressing together from how close they are. “You tried your best. I'm proud of you for reaching out, even though it was hard for you. You're very brave and very strong.”

“Isak, I...”

“We don't have to talk about this,” Isak says, reminds. “You don't have to tell me now, or later, or tomorrow, or ever. You don't have to tell me.” Even looks at Isak again, watches the beautiful boy bite his lip. “But if you do choose to tell me, I just want you to know that it won't change anything. Nothing you can say to me will ever change how I feel about you. I'm in love with you, now and yesterday and tomorrow, for infinite tomorrows. I'm in love with you.”

Even blinks hard, and then closes his eyes again. Isak places gentle kisses to Even's eyelids and it makes Even's eyes open again, like flowers blooming. Isak is smiling at him, and Even tries to find pity or disguised anger there but he can't find any. Isak is just a ball of pure love and Even doesn't deserve that, has never deserved that. Not from the boy with the blond hair who stared at him yet never spoke a word while he took out all the paper towels, not from the boy who caught his eye across the cafeteria one day, not from the boy who pretended to like Nas to impress him, not from the boy that was so hurt and broken and has somehow managed to transform into this gorgeous boy with the kindest heart. Isak is just so fucking stunning, and Even just...he just loves.

“I tried to kill myself last year,” he blurts out. The words were too sour under his tongue to hold in any longer.

Isak's expression changes, and Even wants to recoil. He wants to pull back and tuck himself away in the bedsheets, to never let the light of day touch his skin as long as Isak is the one providing it. The other part of him wants to snatch the words right out of the air. He wants to lean forward and cup Isak's cheeks and insist he's kidding, to kiss away all the hurt that's tucking itself in the nooks and crannies of Isak's brain.

He never wants his boy to hurt ever again.

It never occurred to him that Isak might feel the same way.

The next second, Isak is lunging at him. There's arms around his neck and his boy pressed against his chest. Isak's snapback had fallen off, had hit the ground with the sheer force of Isak's hug. “Even,” Isak speaks, and his voice sounds so broken and yet so sturdy, and Even thinks that Isak is made up of contradictions and stardust. “Fuck, Even. I'm so sorry you had to deal with feelings like that. With hurt like that. I'm so... I love you, okay? So much. And this is going to sound really fucking selfish but don't ever do that to me. Please? Don't.”

“Jesus, Isak,” Even breathes, moves one hand to rest on the back of Isak's head so he can knot his fingers in Isak's curls the way he likes. Isak's breathing is as unsteady as Even's heart now. “I would never. I haven't even thought about.. It's never even crossed my mind, baby.”

“Okay. I know, I know. I trust you.” Isak pulls back, cups his cheeks. “I love you. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. You're not going to scare me off. I'm not going to think you're too much to handle. You're just.. You're Even. And you have a past just like everybody else. That's all, okay? I'm right here, always.”

Even's eyes swim, and Isak gently wipes away any tears that fall. His touch is gentle and kind, and Even can't help but comparing it to the rough shove Mikael had given him when Even had tried to kiss him. Compared Isak's _I'm right here_ to Mikael's _What the fuck are you doing_. He thinks that, despite how it felt in the moment, he's truly the luckiest man in the world.

“I love you,” Even whispers. Isak smiles and rests their foreheads together, kissing Even gently. Even kisses back, closes his eyes tightly. He opens them when Isak pulls back, pulls his hands away. “That's not all. I... I tried to kiss Mikael. And he pushed me away. He was really religious, so... I tried to..to cure myself by reading the Quran. And when I couldn't, I...” He doesn't say the last part. He doesn't want to say those words again, to make Isak crack and break again. He can't do that to his boy.

“You tried to commit suicide,” Isak fills in, a lot stronger this time than the first. Even nods, looking down at his hands. He waits for Isak to tell him that he's selfish, that he probably made all of his friends feel like shit about their religion. But that doesn't come. “I'm so proud of you, Even.”

Even's head snaps up. “What?”

“I'm so proud of you.” Isak is smiling. Why is he smiling? “Look how far you've come in a year. You've nearly finished school, you tried to make amends with the boys, you're telling me about these things even though it's hard. You're happy. That's the most important thing.”

“No,” Even says firmly. Isak raises his eyebrows in confusion. “No. That is not the most important thing. You're the most important thing. The best thing to happen to me since then is you.”

A fond smile crosses Isak's face. “You always have me.” Isak nudges their noses together. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Even reaches up to wipe the tears off Isak's cheeks. He hadn't noticed Isak was crying. He wonders how long his boy was crying. More so, he wonders how long his boy was hurting before they met. Perhaps that's a story for another night locked in their bedroom, for another night when Isak is the one who doesn't want to open his eyes and face the truth. “I love you so fucking much, Isak.”

Isak kisses him, passionately and so full of love that it tastes like honey. Even kisses back, holding Isak closer, pressing his eyes closed.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback appreciated xo


End file.
